This first year of grief hasn’t flowed neatly from one stage to the next; it had multiple patterns, fluctuating cycles, lots of ups and downs. Early grief was the worst when I was most confused and least interested in things I used to care about. Some days, getting out of bed took all the energy I had. Trips to everyday places like the grocery store felt so different. Seeing Roxanne’s favorite brand of some food or soda on the store shelf brought immediate, excruciating pain. I became good at hiding my pain, at postponing grieving for a more appropriate place, a better time. Grieving requires enormous energy, but pretending that you’re not grieving requires even more. You begin to sense that your world is anxious for you to get on with your life, and that no one understands that this is your life and you are getting on with it. This past year I was stunned by the thoughtlessness, and discomfort of some people, and deeply touched by the kindness and sensitivity of others. Sometimes those you expect to support you the most can’t or won’t meet your needs, while others you weren’t that close to, reach out and touch you in the most unexpected ways. I experienced so many conflicting emotions this past year. I feel relief that Roxanne no longer suffers, and then feel guilty about being relieved. For a time I didn’t feel much at all. I never had a chance to say good-bye or resolve certain issues, and that has been without a doubt the most difficult for me. I regret doing and not doing certain things. I believe her death could have been prevented, her life prolonged. I don’t understand many of her life choices. I’ve spent a good deal of time this first year on all this unfinished business. I have been drawn to people who have experienced the loss of a child. I feel they understand some of my feelings and questions. I realize each person’s grief is unique and complex, but it does help to connect, and talk. I have, and do, and it helps. Just when we think everyone surely has heard of our loss by now, the reality of Roxanne’s death echoes back to me. Almost a year to the day of her death, Roxanne’s first cousin (on her fathers side) who she hadn’t seen for 25 years made a contribution, lit a candle on Roxanne’s muchloved.com website. Ria, for whatever reason had an impulse to search the internet for Roxanne, curious about where her cousin had landed in life, and how she was doing. The search led her to this website. Perhaps Kim and her cousins will reconnect; through loss, someone has been found. Getting through this first year of grief was like winding a ball of string. You start with an end and wind and wind. Then the ball slips through your fingers and rolls across the floor. Some of the work is undone, but not all. You pick it up, and you continue to wind and wind. I wonder when the winding ends. . . This past year has caused me to re-examine my beliefs about the universe, God, and how the world works. For a long time I felt angry, still do. And then someone told me the experience would either make me "bitter or better", and that I would have to make a decision. My daughter’s spirit and our continuing bond of love gives me strength each day to try and become better, not bitter. Its not easy. I know God has helped through this painful first year, but sometimes I'm angry with God. I pray he guides me in the years to come.