When your daughter is hurting and ill, every moment spent is shadowed by the fear of loss. Then loss occurs, and you feel more love than ever. The more you loved, the more you feel the loss. Depression then, may be seen as the strongest expression of love. Or at least that's my logic at this time. Past couple months have been difficult, filled with anger. Angry with God. I stopped going to church for awhile. Trying to get a grip on issues. I'm told its normal. I'm trying to learn to live with my grief, but I continue at times to shake my head and weep in disbelief, and anger is part of it. Saturday, running my errands I was thinking about how Roxanne and I used to run errands together every weekend. It was our time to talk, catch up, just hang out together. Esp. the last 4 years when her health failed significantly. I think she looked forward to the weekends because she was so isolated during the week, esp. in the winter months. I looked forward to them to. We'd rise early, take our showers, primp a little, and leave the house by 10:00am. We'd sing with the radio, and do alot of talking about nothing in particular. Grocery shoping first, then pick up dry cleaning, and gas the car, in that order. Afterwards, we frequently stopped for some girly shopping at one of her faviorite stores, and I'd buy her a little something. I'm not a shopper but I didn't mind. It gave her some pleasure, which gave me pleasure. Our last stop, a movie rental before heading home to make dinner and hang out. A basic saturday running errands with my daughter. And yet, when someone you love is ill, it truly is the appreciation of the day-to-day that gets us through each day. I miss her presence, and our saturday ritual.