The loss of a child is something most parents cannot bear to even contemplate. It is such a horrible thought we don’t envision it. I was no different. I never pictured her death. I was hopeful. I envisioned Roxanne managing her disease, and knew in time a drug would develop to end the nigthmare. But then she developed AIDS and started to fail. As a parent you never give up hope. Reflecting now, I realize, my quality of life, my ability to laugh, and survive, and find joy in the day-to-day over the last several years was based on Faith and Hope. It saved my life. Gave me the ability to cope. Hope is like a bird perched in our soul. It soars above, it never fails us, it makes anything possible. I’ve embraced it for a very very long time. And now that Hope is gone, I find it difficult to cope. Can one live without hope? There are days when I feel so terribly scared. Days when I wonder if I’ll make it through? I find comfort in the most ordinary things -- doing laundry, dishes, grocery shopping. I don't know why, but doing these things, gives my grief a rest. Same with working. Friends, colleagues wonder why or how I returned to work so soon. Its a diversion, gives my grief a rest. muchloved.com has been a life saver. Writing has always been good for my soul, helped me cope. My daughter Kim, as well as my sister all find some comfort in muchloved.com. We stay close to Roxanne through this site. I don't believe in "closure" having gone through this. Though I may somehow learn to live with my daughter's death, there will always be a hole in my life.