I didn't sleep well, and was up before dawn. I started to feel anxious, needed to get some air. I dressed, left the house and started to walk. The damp, chilly morning gave me goose bumps, I shivered. As I walked, something inside released itself and I wept out loud. The faster I walked, the harder I cried. I started to run, and when I reached the dock of the lake, I collapsed to my knees and sobbed uncontrollably until I gasped for air. Emotion poured out of me until I was exhausted, limp. I sat there motionless, starring out, remembering the last time I saw her. Memories flooded in and I was transported back. I stayed there with her for a very long time. Birds chirping broke the silence. I blinked and was in the present. I took a deep breathe, took in the smell of oil and gasoline, I heard the rippling sounds of water lap at the shore. A calmness swept over me as darkness lifted and a new day began. The sun was all the way up by the time I headed home. Roxanne's departure leaves a hole, a void in my life. I even miss all her craziness, and wish for just one more hug, one more day. I sometimes wonder how in the world I can keep this up. Grief is so trying, so exhausting. And trying not to show grief is even more exhausting. Time will not heal my loss...it has become part of me. My mom always said I was blessed with inner strength, and an optimism that would always carry me through. Where is that strength now? Mom, if you hear me, help me. I'm so sick with grief. Give me the strength to bear this cross.