The holidays have been difficult. Healing seems improbable. I continue to experience the why's and what if's? I have no answers as to why and I beat myself up over the what if's. They say its normal…doesn’t make it any easier. Going through this now for 5 months I realize that grief must be selfish in order to survive it. For me, its critical to step away for a time either through work, friends, family. Its my only way to cope. I try to smile, laugh, enjoy the day-to-day. But the cloud hovers, and I still feel empty and alone, different from every other person in the universe.. . stripped, vulnerable. I don’t fight the grief anymore. I just go with the flow, and allow myself the time, the moment. There seems to be degrees of sadness as time goes by. Staying busy, paying attention to others rather than myself, and having gratitude are handy tools for going out my front door every day, and things I have embraced going through this. Helps me get through each and every day. My family has been a god send. Roxanne, We love you, We miss you, Happy New Year.