I believe it isn't always enough to be forgiven by others. Sometimes, you have to learn to forgive yourself. My grief has settled into this quiet, profound sadness that drifts in and out. Every day I have a moment. Sometimes it lingers more, sometimes less. But everyday, I think of Roxanne... What I would give for just one more conversation, one more hug. Thinking back, 2004 was the beginning of the end of life as she knew it. The horrible accident began her decline and changed her life forever, and as a result, mine. The disease had taken hold of her body. Infections became more difficult to fight off, bouts of PCP, hospitalization after hospitalization, her immune system was failing her. She never complained, never whined, not once. Roxanne's journey became a living nightmare from a parents perspective. I lived in constant fear, while constantly hopeful. Her death was never an option in my mind. It was all about living. The nightmare would end, the drugs would reverse the symptoms, her risky behaviors would end. Hope and fear, fear and hope..they became my comfort zone, my way to cope. In the end, God said enough is enough and released her battered body from her. But her spirit remains, lives on, and always will. And what a SPIRIT it WAS!! Fear and anxiety no longer haunt me. Its been replaced by a heartache so profound, and yet hopeful in my faith, that Rocky's in Gods embrace, and in a better place. I felt such a need to release, to write tonight... my eyes are tired, time to sleep.